Well, Father, here I stand.
Every plan I’ve made, every hope and dream,
Every promise You gave shattered at my feet.
I reached out to others for help, believing their words,
Knocked on doors, leapt through hoops,
Did all they demanded and more.
All in vain! No avail!
Balked at every turn, doors slammed in my face,
Defeat and rejection on every hand.
So here I am, with nowhere else to go,
Weary in heart and soul and mind,
Turning finally to You.
Coming at last to You, where I should have come first.
Promises broken, dreams dead, hope almost gone,
Standing now in Your presence for good or for ill.
For good! I know it’s for good.
Your Word promises this
and much more.
Yet I turn to You last,
After all else has failed,
Not trusting Your word or Your love.
And You open Your arms,
And You gather me in,
And the warmth of your love heals my heart.
Then You stretch out Your hand,
And the mist disappears,
And the way becomes clear up ahead.
So I set forth once more
On the journey of life,
But forget to keep hold of Your hand.
As day passes day
I forget You are there.
Forget what You’ve promised to me.
And I forge on ahead,
Never asking Your help,
Sure I know what to do, how and when.
And again I fall flat!
Again my plans fail.
And again I try all else but You.
When I finally turn, there You are as before,
Your arms open wide,
Your eyes filled with love.
And this time I stay closer.
I listen to You (somewhat).
I think that I’ve got it at last.
But once again it all falls.
Once again I stand here,
With my life left in pieces all ‘round.
And this time I cry, ‘Father, why?
I listened to You,
I followed Your plan!’
‘Did you, my child?’
Comes the loving reply?
‘Did you trust Me this time, or trust you?’
And I suddenly see
Where the fault’s always lain.
It’s in me – in my heart and my mind.
No matter Your promise –
How great or how true –
I think that I know the best plan.
So I hurry ahead,
Busy planning it out,
Never stopping to ask You ‘what next?’
I’m so smart, I’m so wise
That I know how it’s done,
Never ask, never seek out Your way.
And I fail once again.
Broken dreams, broken heart,
Given into Your hand once again.
And You lift me up,
And You dry my tears,
And You mend my heart once again.
But now I have learned
That my ways are not Yours.
And that Your plans are much better than mine.
So as I set off once more
On my journey of life,
This time I reach for Your hand.
‘This time’, I say,
‘This time’, You smile,
‘Let’s go together’.
I wrote this in August 2010, as some health issues came to light, along with some other stresses I was under at the time.
As I struggled with several things at once, Father God showed me some truths. (Why do we see so much more clearly when we are in a bad place, than when we are in a good one? . . . Oh yeah, it’s that facets thing He showed me!)
One good thing I saw was that I no longer believe that there is anything I must do to prove myself worthy of receiving His promise! Thank You Father, that we broke that!
But, there were still some things in the way of my trusting Him.
- The biggest thing He showed me was that I always try to figure out how what He has promised will come to pass; and until I can do that, I won’t even (really) believe the promise. Why do I always feel like I have to help God figure out the best (most logical or realistic) way to do something? If I’d been in charge at the Red Sea, all the Israelites would have drowned because I would have been too busy trying to figure out how God was going to do it, to listen to what I was supposed to do, and then do it!
- Second thing He showed me – it’s not really about Him needing my help to do it, or to decide how to do it, it’s about me needing to feel like I have some control over my life. If I just know how He’s going to do it, then I can be prepared for it, can feel like I have some control over the outcome. What hogwash! If I really trust Him, I don’t need to see how He will do what He has promised.
- Third thing – I couldn’t seem to find any middle ground, where faith and doing combine in perfect balance. Where I believe He will; I don’t try to figure out how; and I actively listen to Him for direction about what, if anything, I am to do. I couldn’t get to that place before, because I was too busy figuring it out, or running off to do it myself – to ‘help God’!
After seeing the lies I’d believed, and the truth – which is that He is trustworthy, no matter what! – I came to a place of surrender, where I chose to trust Him, even though parts of me were screaming in the background, “Don’t! You can’t trust Him! You can’t trust anyone!’ This is a place I’ve been before, but this time it went much deeper, was more encompassing. And the parts screaming “No!” were smaller/fewer than before.
And the very next day, He provided answers/help in more facets than I was actually struggling with! He is awesome!!!
I think we have multiple surrender points along our journey; multiple times we make the choice to trust Him. And each one is more complete than the last. Each time, more lies are broken. Each time, more of me/you trusts Him. Eventually, we reach the point where we just live in faith; where there are no untrusting parts left inside. (Won’t that be awesome!)
May you see clearly and be set completely free from the lies you believe that hinder your complete trust in our so trustworthy Father.
May the reality of His true nature be revealed in and to you, and then through you to others.
May you be able to say, this day, with Job (13:15)– “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”